Saturday, April 25, 2015

Birthday Week

I am exactly one week away from turning the big 4-0. I remember the year I was turning 30. I was depressed about it. I wasn't ready to leave my 20's behind. It is different now, I don't feel a sense of dread leaving my 30's behind. I am actually excited for this birthday. I am not sure why I feel this way exactly, maybe it is because of what events are set to happen in my 40's.

First, this time next year I will be preparing to start my semester of student teaching. This is my last step before I graduate and start my life in the "real world". This process has been a long time coming, full of starts and stops. I am so close to the end I can taste it. It excites me and terrifies me all the same. I just want to be a good teacher for my future students. I want to be the kind of teacher they remember for years and years because I made a positive impact on their lives.

Second, as soon as I graduate we will start the foster to adopt process. Ed and I have talked about it and we decided that we will start the application and required classes as soon after I graduate as possible. I am still struggling with wanting to have a biological child, but something in my heart is telling me there is a child or children who need two loving devoted parents, like Ed and I, to come into their lives and adopt them. I cannot explain the feeling but deep in my heart I get such a pull towards the idea of adopting that I cannot ignore it even if I tried.

Third, there is a possibility of checking one thing off my bucket list. As a graduation present to me, Ed and I, if a certain opportunity pans out will be saving up to take a very special trip. I don't want to jinx it by giving all the details. I know it may not happen because it depends on a lot of things falling into place but just the thought that it is a small possibility is so exciting.

As you can see my 40's are full of wonderful possibilities and I am so ready to begin my journey. Bring it on!

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Trying to come to terms...

Most everyone knows that I had a baby when I was in high school and that I placed him for adoption. I got to pick his parents, I met them a few days before the baby was born. I named him Christopher because it is the male form of my name (Christina). I wanted to "give" him something of mine to take with him. I didn't know until after that the adoptive parents had planned all along to change his name to a name that was important to them. That was their right and I didn't begrudge them that. But I have always called him Christopher because in my heart that is who he is to me.

At the time of his adoption I confidently felt that I would have other children. They obviously wouldn't replace Christopher but all I ever wanted to be was a mother and I felt when the time was right I would get the chance. The adoption ripped me into pieces and changed who I was and how I saw the world. It was a good 10 years before I was able to look objectively at the adoption. I spent many years thinking that I deserved every bad thing that happened. It was my punishment for giving away my baby. I ended up in 2 bad relationships, and I stayed in them for way too long because I felt it was all I deserved. Christopher is now 21 and I have yearned for a child all of those 21 years. It has been over the past 6 years or so that I could think about having a child without an overwhelming sense of guilt. Guilt about moving on, about having another child and keeping it.

I had weight loss surgery 3 years ago. One of the deciding factors was wanting to increase my chances of having a baby. I have PCOS which can make it challenging, not impossible, to have a baby. PCOS symptoms are greatly reduced with weight loss. I lost a lot of weight and got healthier but my body keeps betraying me. I had a huge dermoid cyst on my right ovary, the cyst was so entwined with my ovary that it had to be removed. Then I had to have another surgery and biopsies on tumors that have been found in that same area. Thankfully they are non-cancerous but there are other issues and the obgyn gave us until my 40th birthday (which is May 2nd) to try and have a child before he wants to talk about a hysterectomy. Embarrassingly I started crying when he mentioned that word.

On top of all of that is my severe iron deficiency, anemia. Getting iron infusions every month isn't working. My body isn't kicking in and retaining any of it. It goes in and out almost as fast. All my drs agree that without getting my iron under control it would not be advisable to try get pregnant. I was just told by my hematologist that my iron issue will be a life long struggle and admitted that the past infusions have been a waste of time and offered no real help. I left my last iron appointment with the realization that my dream is over.

I will never have morning sickness, or feel a baby growing inside me again. I will never experience the joy of giving birth again. I mourn the loss of Christopher all over again. If I had known then what I know now, perhaps I would have made a different decision. However, it is what it is and I cannot go back and change it. All I can do is move forward and come to terms with the cards we have been dealt.

We have plans to adopt through foster care and through that avenue we will get to be parents. But that doesn't make what I feel right now any better.  I cannot begin to explain the depth of the pain you go through when you give up your child or how intense the desire to have another baby hits you. I am thankful to have a friend who gets it. She is a birthmother as well and understands what I am feeling right now. She has always been there to listen and sympathize and mostly just agree that it sucks. I hear too many times that "this is God's plan." or "God has something special for you." or "Oh well you can just adopt, you can still be a mother." Yes God has a plan, maybe it is special but unless you have a direct line to God you don't really know if there is something special in the future. And yes we can adopt and it is the plan but it isn't the magic word that will make everything all better and me instantly feel better.

What I really need is time to come to terms with this reality, because to me this is almost like mourning the loss of all the babies I ever dreamed I would have. The loss of the baby I can see so vividly in my head. She has Ed's beautiful blue eyes, my grandma's auburn hair with Ed's curliness and my stubborn independence.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Frustration rant

I give you fair warning, this blog post will be all over the place. That is just how I feel at the moment. So many things going on that I find myself jumping from one random thought to another in repeated cycles all day long. I think I will start with some frustrations.

First and foremost is the lack of progress on dear hubby's immigration. I know I know, processing time takes up to 5 months for the initial paperwork. But how hard can that be? Seriously, read some forms, look at the passport photos, do your little background check, stamp it and transfer it to the next office so they can send us the next packet of forms and tasks to complete. I have not seen my husband face to face, in person, since Christmas. He cannot move down here and live while we do the paperwork, or so we have been told. You would think that the processing people would see this, understand this, and possibly try and expedite the processing time. I called Friday just to get some sort of a progress report on where everything stood and got told basically, don't call back and check until after June 10th (this is our 5 month mark). 

I am not a patient person, one of my biggest pet peeves is waiting on anyone or anything. I am always at least 5 minutes early and really get antsy when someone makes me late. This time however I have no choice but to sit and wait, patiently, or rather impatiently in my case. I just want my husband here, so that our lives can get off the holding pattern it feels like they are stuck on.

Which brings me to frustration #2. Since I arrived back in Texas almost a year ago, I have been staying at my dad and his wife's house. Rent free. Pretty cool set up. Except I am losing my mind. I have a very different way of setting up house, of cooking, of cleaning, of thinking etc. I am the first to say; I do NOT make a good roommate. I tend to border on loner-ism. That isn't to say I don't like having friends and going out to socialize with said friends. I just like a lot of quiet, reflective alone time. When I don't have that I start to get cranky and my creative juices are stunted. Many may not know, especially if you are new readers of my blog but I write. I am working on a few novels, most in the romance genre. I have one completed manuscript that I have shopped around to some literary agents. Three rejections so far and after a query letter re-write, am waiting on a response from a fourth agent. So I spend a lot of time at my computer, researching, typing, working on character bios, all things author-ish.

When my creative juices are stunted I cannot write to save my life. Which has been happening more and more as I continue to feel more and more frustrated with some events, that while I would love to share, I feel like I shouldn't since the party involved could possibly find this blog through my YouTube and would create a whole world of issues that frankly I do not want to deal with. This all adds to my impatience for hubby to get down here so we can start looking for our own place. This then brings us to frustration #3.

I recently got my comptia A+ certification, for those of you who don't know, that is basically just a computer techie entry level sort of certification. I self studied all the inner workings and components of a desktop and laptop computer. All this to try and get a job that I have had my eye on for a long while. Not anything fancy, just a entry level tech help desk position. It has excellent pay, 30-32k a year plus full benefits. According to their website they are hiring, according to the guy I talked to when I called they aren't. Not really sure what the dealio is but I submitted my resume with the hopes they would keep it on file until a position did open up. I have applied for several other jobs as well, only one of which has responded back. I have an interview tomorrow morning with them, but something about them kinda bothers me. Not something I can put my finger on, but, if it can get my foot in the door and some experience under my belt, then bring it on. Their pay is a little less, 23-25k per year, and some decent benefits.

My dad, God bless him, has put in a good word with another company. I submitted my resume to them  Monday or Tuesday, on Friday he was delivering some laptops to them, (he is a computer tech for the air force), and he talked me up. Crossing fingers something comes of that. I would much rather work there or at the first place I had my eye on. If I got the right shift my dad and I could carpool and split the cost of gas. At this point though, I would take almost any job that was offered to me, almost. I need to work, I need the money and most of all I want the health insurance. Paying for medical bills out of pocket is costly.

I guess all I need is: My husband here with me, a job, and my own house. No small order. *sigh* I will survive and what is meant to be will happen when it is supposed to happen. I will just have to be... P-A-T-I-E-N-T...

Monday, March 12, 2012

Recipes, writing, studying and immigration.

I feel like I have neglected my blog over the past year or so. Okay so I KNOW I have and that makes me disappointed in myself a bit. However, I have had a LOT happening and by the time I think of making a blog entry it is late and I am too tired. I am trying to think of a way to stay more connected with my blog or at least do a weekly post of some sort. This brings me to an idea I have been tossing around for a week or so.

I recently bought a recipe book titled Eating Healthy After Weight Loss Surgery. I have ear-marked a few recipes I would like to try and my dad is willing to be a taste tester. :P I was thinking that maybe I could blog these recipes that I decide to try. I did this once before and I really enjoyed it. I won't be able to take pictures like before, as my dear husband decided he wanted to take the digital camera back up to Canada with him to take lots of pictures that I have yet to see him take. *grumble* However, I could record myself making these recipes and post to my youtube channel and link them to each entry. Just one idea I am considering.

I have felt the urge to write. Nothing has become of my finished manuscript. I got 3 rejection responses and 1 non-response. I want to go back and do some edits to that book and my query letter. Plus I have a few other stories that I have outlined that I would like to work on. My problem is when do I fit it in with all the stuff I do now? Not to mention my need for complete and total alone-ness while I am working on a book. That is in short supply for me right now. I am temporarily staying at my dad and stepmother's house until I start working and we get Ed immigrated down here. This presents it's own set of problems and issues. I am the type that likes to get immersed totally and completely in my story. I live it along with my characters, I feel what they feel (to a point), and if I am interrupted it seriously annoys me. It almost always throws up a writers block, which is frustrating. The ideas stop flowing so freely and I pretty much have to just give up until the writing bug hits me again. Maybe I should get a big flashing neon sign that says Quiet On The Set! and hang it over my computer area. :P

I have been studying for what feels like a lifetime (really only a few months) for the A+ certification test. It's a computer techie thing. I finally have my test date for part 1 of 2. March 19th I will take the first part and then hopefully not too long after that I will be able to take the 2nd part and get my certification so that I can FINALLY apply for the job I have been hoping to get for months. It will be so nice to move forward with this. I am a doer, always on a mission, if there is something that needs to be done then I want to get it done. I will stubbornly keep at it until I accomplish the task. This process has taken way longer than I ever intended or wanted so it has been a test in patience for me. Finally though I can see the end and it is exciting.

Immigration for my husband has progressed a little. I sent off the initial paperwork and got the notification that they had received it and approved it to be processed further. That was 2 months ago and here we are still waiting for them to finish processing the initial papers. From what I have read it takes on average 5 months, so we are still within that time frame. I check the status ever day, several times a day usually. To say that I am anxious is an understatement. Who knew how hard it was going to be to live so far away from the man you love so much. When we decided to do this, I thought I would be good, I wasn't going to be one of "those wives" that would fall apart without her husband by her side every day. No I haven't fallen apart but there have been times I wanted to. There are moments when the missing of him is so overwhelming that I want to get into my truck and drive the 2000 or so miles just to be with him even if just for an hour. He has come down here twice so far and it is so hard when he has to leave to go back up to Canada. Let's hope the immigration office will hurry every chance they get.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Nice to meet me again...

I am now 3 months out from my bariatic surgery. I have lost 87 lbs in total (this includes my pre-op liquid diet weight) and I am 66 lbs from my goal weight, as of this morning. I took some pictures of myself to mark this 3 month time and I was struck at how much I had changed so far. My face is thinner, I actually can see a waist line. I thought it was gone forever. It isn't just my outward appearance that has changed, I have found energy I didn't know I had, I am more smiley. I never thought I was really unhappy before, sure I wasn't happy about how overweight I was but I felt I was pretty happy and upbeat. But comparing pics from before and now the ones from this past sunday, it is a world of difference.

When I look at the most recent pictures, it is like seeing a friend I haven't seen in years. Ultimately I have always been the same person, I have the same morals and thought processes but I have been hidden in a fat suit if you will. I purposefully kept to myself, I tried to go out as little as possible, I didn't look in the mirror unless I absolutely had to, pictures were strategically posed to make myself look less fat. As the weight sheds, so do the restraints that turned me into a hermit for so long. I still have a ways to go but I already feel so much better that it is hard to imagine how I will feel once I reach my goal weight. The world better look out! :P

Saturday, January 14, 2012

So frustrated...

I think I am having a food melt down. Over the past few days I have to force myself to eat. Nothing sounds good, I want nothing. I go stand in the kitchen and wanna cry angry tears of frustration. While there is a kitchen crammed full of food, tons of which I can't eat, but some things I can, I want none of it. Logically I know I need to eat to get in the protein but I just can't. When I try to make myself eat a meal just to get in the protein, it tastes horrible and I usually end up giving most to the dogs.

I'm so tired of my old standby, chicken. If I eat one more piece of chicken I am going to grow feathers and start clucking. I had 2 protein shakes today (thankfully they are just over 30g of protein each) but the thought of eating anything for dinner just makes me want to throw a 2 year old tantrum. Yes I know. Not very mature but I am just so frustrated.

We were at HEB today looking at those small frozen tv dinner things. Weight watchers, lean cuisine etc. First off they are all totally loaded with sodium which I try to avoid. Most of them have a little bit of meat and the rest is rice, or potatoes or pasta. I cannot eat them, not because it is prohibited, while they aren't recommended, you can still have a little. I physically cannot eat them, after a small bite of a pasta or potato or rice they feel like they are stuck in my chest. Have you ever had an air bubble stuck in your chest? That is what it feels like, it is very uncomfy and nothing I do seems to make it better. I just have to wait it out, which is usually 10-15 mins.

So now I try and avoid those as much as I can. So those tv dinners aren't really a viable option for me. That just added to my frustrations. I have moments where I just want to be able to eat. Eat without having to think about it, eat without having to worry about any adverse reactions. Believe me I know that the health benefits far out weigh the issues. And I see it every time I look in the mirror and in the energy I feel every day. But I guess we all have our moments where we get down and apparently I am having one of those weeks.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Incredibly Shrinking Me.

I have been struggling since leaving the hospital with getting my required fluid intake. According to my diet info page I am supposed to be taking in a min of 48 oz per day. I am hitting about 36oz. Yesterday was an exception where I hit a lot less than that. I woke up and just felt blah. I hadn't slept well the night before, lots of tossing and turning, which means lots of waking up all night long. I didn't feel like eating or drinking anything. It felt like it was a chore just to make the effort. I managed to get in 2 protein shakes, a cup of broth and minimal water. I just didn't feel like it. I didn't even weigh yesterday because I like I said it was a blah day.

I also need to be more commited to walking. I do walk around the house and go up and down stairs intentionally but beyond one trip to walmart with my dad, I haven't left the house. Thinks have been crazy around here. Sunday very early in the morning my Dad had to take my stepmother to the ER. She has a kidney stone and it is rather large, 5 by 11 mm I think they said. While they were there my dad almost passed out from what I am guessing was low blood sugar. Once they fed him a sandwich he was fine. He brought my stepmother home later that same day with pain meds and some other stuff. She had to go back to ER yesterday late afternoon and didn't get home til late that night. She is at the doctor again this morning for an appt with a urologist. Hopefully they can make it all better soon, I know those aren't pleasant.

I have lost a good amount of weight since my surgery, according to my at home scales. Since my 1st surgery on Halloween I have lost a total of 12 lbs.
Since I started my liquid diet I have lost a total of 40 lbs.

It is exciting to see the numbers dropping on the scale. Keeps you upbeat and motivated to say the least. I have been measuring as well and those numbers are slowly decreasing along with the weight loss.

Not really an important update but just something for me to make note of for later reference. I think my new stomach isn't really fond of mootopia. Every time I have a shake the past few days I get warm all over and I have some slight stomach cramping. Also it makes me a little nauseous sometimes, not every time I drink it though. I like the added benefits of mootopia and really hope my body will settle down. But if I have to change I will.

Oh a big exciting update! My husband is coming down for Christmas. I am so excited! We miss each other a lot and neither of us can wait til he is down here permanently.

Have a great week!